With about 2 months into the quarantine season, I am reflecting on some coaching conversations I’ve had with some of my high-achieving clients. My clients do impact me. They grow me – it’s a mutual relationship. I will share one of those reflections in this post.

Tracy (not real name) is a highly-motivated, go-getter at work.  I asked Tracy what she’s learned about herself during the stay-at-home season, and this was her confession:

“This season has actually helped me find myself again. I have been thinking things through, learning to let go. I am growing in acceptance, and just being happy in the moment. I am enjoying nurturing my family, with a simple sense of purpose. I love cleaning my house, doing laundry, cooking meals everyday, bonding at the table, etc. I am accepting it all. “

Now, you may be thinking: What’s the big deal here? 

Well, Tracy is a busy, professional woman. She runs a branding company and is also in the middle of launching another business venture with her husband. She hires a housekeeper because she doesn’t have enough time for chores at home. Prior to the pandemic, her work was her top priority.  Interestingly, this quarantine season has reconnected her with her “nurturing” self. She realized how much it has been suppressed. She has sacrificed her nurturing passion on the altar of professional success. The lock down helped Tracy recover this part of herself. Unlike others, she was very much at peace and grateful for the opportunity to be home.

And I can very much relate .

I am on my own journey of recovery, from my high-achieving tendencies. 

I grew up seeing my mom’s capacity. She worked hard in her profession, had 3 other side businesses and equally worked hard as a mom to keep the house running. She was always on a mission, constantly delivering.

I viewed her as superhuman and as such, her tenacity became my template. Even when I’ve done enough, I would unconsciously challenge myself to keep going, thinking that I am not doing nearly as much as her – so I can’t complain. My saboteur (the negative voice in my head) would say, “C’mon – don’t be a lazy bum.”  As I started to become aware of this pattern, I knew that this is unhealthy when unchecked. Some time in my twenties, I heard a whisper while I was at a silent retreat:  “be led by the spirit, not driven.”   I immediately knew what that meant – to ask the spirit first, instead of defaulting to the voice of the saboteur. The saboteur is the driver in my head. It also meant to become more discerning in commitments and relationships. It’s good to be able to deliver results, but only the right ones at the right time. Not everything or everyone deserves my charge. With more promptings, I slowly started to learn how to align my heart with the rhythm of the spirit, to know when not to push myself too hard.  I would say that part of this invitation to be intentionally led by the spirit even helped me transition from singleness to a relationship with David and journeying into marriage (another story for another day). 

Practicing being “led” also means learning to “let go” of the things that are no longer serving you. In my case, the more i practiced letting go, the more I experienced some radical changes in my life which include ending some friendships, ministry commitments, titles, business opportunities, etc.  All in obedience to the spirit. 

It has been a long journey of allowing the old (self) to “crumble”.

Fast forward to this pandemic season, my journey (of the old crumbling) seems to be peaking. I have very little or no no friction regarding “getting stuff done” and I am mindfully putting my family first. Like Tracy, I have “pandemic permission” to do that. As much as I would like to be launching projects or changing the world, I don’t feel that release in my heart to charge on. 

But just like anyone in recovery, the tendency to rebound is always there. It’s an ongoing battle to resist the temptation to listen to the voice of the saboteur.

Here’s a recent example: 

A professional development opportunity came up for me about 10 days ago. A fellow coach emailed me an invitation to apply to be selected for a grant, offering a 6-week coach’s training to sharpen and upgrade my coaching skills.  Without a second thought, I jumped on the opportunity.  Not a big deal, I told myself – I can squeeze in another 2 hours weekly (that is required).  I applied and got accepted. As I studied, took assessments and prepared for my first online meeting with my assigned group, I noticed I was feeling a sense of uneasiness and some overwhelm. The old version of me would have ignored the discomfort and psyched myself up to push through, but I stepped back and prayed, asking: should I be taking this on? 

Clarity came through a still, small voice. 

I realized that my uneasiness was about adding more “online” time to my week while in reality, I needed more “offline” time. I didn’t feel like drilling myself with course work, on top of everything else I was already doing.  The more I pondered, I became even more convinced that taking on a 6-week coaching course is not compatible with my priorities for focusing on family and God (while maintaining my client roster and other commitments I had to before the pandemic).  As I continued to listen, I realized that what I really needed was more “self-care” in this season. Taking on another new thing would tip me over.

In the end, I saw that my sneaky saboteur was “running the show”. Its voice was hijacking my priority for “rest and family” time in the pandemic season. Even after this revelation, the saboteur said, “But you have already signed up! This will look bad for you as a coach who changes her mind at the last minute! Doesn’t look like you are reliable!” 

The alternative was to picture my tortured face before “another” Zoom call. Nope, I would not listen to the saboteur. I forgave myself for impulsively signing up, then I did something that I rarely do – I quit. 

Why is it hard (even before the pandemic) to embrace our limits?

It’s easy to keep taking things on. I am reminded that being spread thin is one of the biggest traps for ineffectiveness. For every YES, it means a NO to another priority. 

With the world flooding into our online space, everyone is inviting everyone to join everything. The noise is deafening. We need greater discernment and self-discipline to be led by the spirit in this crazy season.  The louder the noise, the harder you will have to fight for a quiet space in your soul. Sadly, many will emerge out of this season empty and exhausted from chasing “every wind of doctrine” or virtual hyperactivity.

It takes humility to acknowledge that you do have limits.

So i’m curious to hear from you: How have you experienced the pandemic in terms of your personal and professional priorities? what is your saboteur story, and what has surprised you about yourself?

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