Category Archives: Reflective Friday

12 Life and Leadership Lessons from the First 12 Months of Raising Twins

Twins! Oh adorable! Double Blessings! Cute! 

These are the common feelings or expressions when you have twins. This is 100% true, and also very heartwarming. But I must add that having twins is utterly challenging – literally and figuratively. 

Twins on Thanksgiving Day 2022 (Month of their birth)

As the year ends, let me share my thoughts on some of the lessons that I have gathered from the past 12 months of parenting multiples.  Although we categorize life in compartments such as family, profession, recreation, etc, the truth is life lessons can be gathered from one category and utilized in another. Even if you are not a mother or a parent, I hope you find some useful thoughts as you read.

The first year of raising twins has been a steep learning curve. The steeper the learning curve, the greater the growth. I am a firm believer that we grow the most through challenges. Having twins is one of my biggest personal growth experience to date. Here’s why:

  • Living in the moment – For most of the first year, I simply lost the ability to look too far out into the future. All I had capacity was to be in the moment. All I could handle was what was in front of me. As limiting as this was, it was also tremendously freeing. No time and space to for overthinking. It spared me unnecessary anxiety and worry about future-related matters.  The challenge at hand was sufficient. The simplicity of living in the moment was somewhat refreshing. 
  • Grabbing the Opportunity – Research says “Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem.” We want to repair our negative mood first or prime ourselves to “feel” great about doing certain tasks before we do them. With twins, I learned to operate with less procrastination. Once opportunity presented itself to do something, I grab it. I had little room to indulge in procrastination. No time to analyze whether feel like it or not. I  would usually just get up and get on with it. This is particularly true for instances when I am hands-free  (a rarity) – I would jump on the opportunity to get a shower, or do some important tasks whether I felt like it or not. 
  • Perspective – When things are tough, it’s easy to feel like everything in life is tough. This is called catastrophizing. It means believing that you’re in a worse situation than you really are, or exaggerating the difficulties you face. A perspective that helped me not catastrophize the challenges of raising multiples was reminding myself that some days are easier than others, and It’s not always tough. When I’m having a hard day, I visualize moments of joy ahead. There are days where I’m a zombie from lack of sleep, and there are days where it’s just pure delight. I’ve learnt to keep a balanced outlook depending on the day. 
  • Growth mindset- When life circumstances are hard, I find that choosing a perspective of growth helps. I ask myself, what growth do I want to cultivate from this experience? Suddenly I would feel an empowering sense from within. I remind myself that “this is how is this day is meant to be, do not wish it to be different – it is what it is”. I also tell myself: “you are right where you need to be, and there’s nothing better that is worth my all.” This perspective really helped me not to resist reality.
  • Resilience – Being resilient is about being able to adapt to difficult life experiences especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility. It’s the ability to adjust to external and internal demands. There were many times that I was tested to my very limit, thinking I couldn’t possibly do more, but then I find myself stretching beyond my perceived limits. This is so true when sleep deprivation is at its peak. I have a newfound appreciation for the word “endurance.” Now I understand the metaphor of running a marathon better. 
  • Being open to Change – Twins shake things up quite a bit. One baby may be a good sleeper today, then suddenly becomes the fussy one tomorrow. I learned to stay open and adjust my expectations of them daily to minimize feeling frustrated. If we hold onto our own ideas of how things should be rather than accepting how they really are, we will experience deep friction and tension. It’s so easy to be stuck in “what I know” or what worked yesterday. I have learnt that no matter how good the strategy was yesterday, it may not work today. In life and work, rigidity can be a huge hindrance to growth. 
  • Creativity – Nothing generates creativity better than constraints. The feeling of being limited in my capacity to handle two babies fostered some very creative approaches in me over the past 12 months. For instance, When naps are consistently short, I had to come up with new ways to put them down for my sanity. In the early days, I would put them to nap on their twin Z nursing pillows. The only way to get out of a stuck pattern is to try something new. I have developed a strong muscle for trying new things and testing new ideas.
  • Intuition – I have come to realize that having twins sets your intuition on fire! My oldest son who is very observant, asked me a while back: “Mommy, how do you know what the twins want since they cannot talk? Ideas and solutions out of nowhere would show up just when I needed it. There were times where I would be nervous, wondering how I will get through the day with both babies when I am on my own, but to my surprise, I find myself being creative without any premeditation. There were moments where I felt strongly to go in a check on one of them, only to discover that they were in dire need of help in that very moment. The statement: “You know more than you think you know” is so true. There is a kind of knowing that motherhood unlocks.
  • Decision-making – You will make decisions in life that will sometimes make you feel bad, but that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. For instance, there were moments where both babies would be crying, and I would have to pick up one, while the other one waits and cries some more. In these instances, i needed clear, guiding principles for making decisions. One of the principles I established was: the one that woke up first gets to go down first, and the one that fed earlier gets to be fed first because they would be hungrier. There are exceptions of course. Some times I pick up the one that seems distressed the most first. 
  • Full focus – Having twins has introduced me to another dimension of having my hands full, my heart full and lastly, my TIME full. At the end of most days, I barely have any energy left. I usually just need time to be with my own thoughts to reflect a bit, taking advantage of the momentary, infrequent quiet gaps that I get. I had very little headspace to bother about things I would previously entertain. I became ruthlessly more focused. I learned how greatly savor moments of being alone because of the intense demand on my attention. 
  • Streamlining – When you have to do many repeatable tasks such as changing diapers and feedings numerous times in a day and for two babies, it forces one to develop simpler ways to become more efficient in order to eliminate unnecessary overwhelm. It’s great when systems work, but it doesn’t always work. I must add that streamlining two unique individuals is NOT easy. I have learned that it’s easier to streamline processes than people – which leads to the next point. 
  • Individuality and uniqueness– Initially, I was a bit oblivious to the fact that twins can be remarkably different. An example that comes to mind is their physical weight. I was a bit concerned that one baby was feeding more than the other, and one got bigger than the other pretty quickly but the doctor assured me that it’s just different genetics. Very quickly I learned how to adapt to their uniqueness. Although they share the same birthday, my babies turned out to be very different in almost all aspects. What works for one usually doesn’t work for the other. I learned to trust their preferences to feeding and also to accept their varying weights. 
  • Prioritization – Because of the constraints I now have as it relates to how much I am able to do, it has forced me to have my priorities in the right order. As a naturally driven, high-capacity person, I tend to over-extend myself and take on more but with twins, I am experiencing a limitation on my time and energy. No matter how excited I feel about some things, they may never make it to my high priority list and as such, they get deleted. What I am learning is that constraint is a gift; it grounds me on the right things at the right time. 
  • Continuous learning – The learning with twins is continuous – just when you have a good handle on their routine at one stage, another stage presents itself with new challenges. You are constantly on a learning curve. There’s no cruising. This is one lesson I want to always remember and incorporate into my life. 

Oops – might have written more than 12 points. The truth is, my babies have taught me A LOT… And this is just the tip of the iceberg. One thing I must add: Great Gifts come with Great Responsibility. I have shared more about the “responsibility” but I thank God everyday for the gift of our twins…I cannot even begin to express how full and joyous our family has become.

I’m curious, which of these lessons did you resonate with the most? do you have similar stories you would like to share with me?