Making the right decision doesn’t always take away discomfort. I am experiencing that currently, as I allow myself to navigate tension while doing something delightful in this demanding season of my life.
I am writing this as I prepare for my first in-person speaking event postpandemic and post-twin pregnancy and delivery.
When I was asked to speak, my initial reaction was to say “No”, because my babies will only be 4 months old and I don’t have childcare to travel. But then, I shared with David and he said: “I think you need to go, you need to do something else that you enjoy. See it as a ladies’ night out for yourself.”
David said he’ll take Friday off from work and babysit all the boys.
Wow, a perspective I had not considered, but it resonated with me. I am in need of a break, and some self-care time. It may not be the conventional way, but this event is possibly FOR ME. I am feeling a thrill about having a night to myself, and being with a group of ladies in L.A for a Women’s conference. My passion and purpose centers around people, and live events are a key expression of that for me.
Spring is here and I am feeling aligned with it! I am grateful for the weather becoming nicer and warmer, just as my babies are becoming more interactive, enjoyable and slightly easier. The first few months were tough, I believe this invitation is like a “transition marker” from being super immersed in postpartum, to stepping into a space where I can return some of my non-parental passions. I know it will still be a long while before I can engage in other events that will require more planning, time and energy but for now, this one seems like just about the right size that I can handle – One night, and One hour flight.
As I thought about it, I weighed the pros:
- flying to Los Angeles from San Jose is just about an hour.
- I get a hotel from to myself to sleep through the night
- Everything (flight and hotel) paid for
- I get to do something that I enjoy, that is encouraging and inspiring others.
- The opportunity to experience in/person live event after two, long years.
- Glad it’s on a Friday evening, dinner will be easy for my husband and son because it’s usually “pizza night” and we don’t cook, we just “heat and eat” for dinner.
- My husband can catch up on sleep and rest over the weekend when I return on Saturday afternoon, before he resumes work on Monday.
The downside of-course, is the anxiety of being away from my babies. I feel an immense discomfort lodging in my heart. I have voiced that to David several times this week and he kept reassuring me that he will rise to the occasion. I feel a profound gratitude and appreciation for my extremely supportive and hands-on hubby. My husband has been very good in assisting me consistently with night feeds, so I know that he will do well, and I will survive the one-night. BUT, it’s still hard to dismiss the discomfort completely.
I am learning to hold two opposing emotions simultaneously – the excitement of a girls’ night out, along with a whole room to myself to sleep, and on the flip side – the anxiety of being away from my boys. I guess this is what motherhood is about, living with perpetual tension…
