Out of Control

BlurIf my life was a car, I’ve known for a while that a major intersection was coming up. What Grace in her book describes as ‘signs’, I was able to tick all those boxes way in advance. However, that it would involve relocating (again) to another country, back to Europe for that matter… that did not feature on my map. And still, it seems that’s where I’m heading in the coming months.

So here’s my big question: How does one do such a transition? I’ve never done this before.  I moved to South Africa from my home country, the Netherlands, thirteen years ago but that was different. I always knew I would come back, at least to visit family. In this case however, I don’t know if I ever will return. So how does one say good bye to such a significant place and significant season in one’s life?

The unexpected

What helps is reading the ‘GPS-leads’ in chapter 5 of Grace’s book, but also having seen how others before me did it. And one of the things that really stayed with me was their ‘intentionality’. They were intentional in wanting to ‘finish well’ and this included all kinds of things: from a bucket list of things they still wanted to do, to debriefing conversations and helping their children to make the transition by bringing closure at their school and with friends. 

That being said experience over the last couple of weeks has taught me to not try to control the process too much and leave room for the unexpected. I was packing up the house when one of my neighbors asked if she could have some time with me to ask a few questions for an assignment she’s doing for her Masters’ study. It happened to be about what we called ‘The Drive Way’ which equals the area in our little complex where we park our cars, where the kids are playing etc. At the end of the ‘interview’ I was not sure who was helped more, her or me, because her questions basically allowed me to evaluate the three years I had been living there. I was amazed at the subtlety and timing of it, and how much it helped me. And I had not been the one organizing it, nor was it on my list.

Stop-and-pause

However, let’s be honest here: Change is painful. It just is. I’ve really tried to find seemingly less-painful ways though. I’ve tried for instance switching off my emotions and just ‘do it and get it over with’. That did not really work. You know this when the back-ups of your computer end up in the self-organized garage sale because you just wanted to get ‘rid of stuff’. Enough said.

What I am learning in all of this is to ‘stop and pause’ when I start feeling overwhelmed; to get a coffee and sit on the couch for a while thinking, journaling or just for a 2-minute cry. It offers a place to ‘just be’ which in turn creates space (physically, spiritually and emotionally) to continue and not be in constant over-drive.

A lot of these emotions are however connected to the future, to the ‘what’s-next’. Truth of the matter is that I actually don’t know yet what is waiting for me ‘on the other side’ in terms of where I’ll end up living and job-wise. It seems that as I let go of Plan A, I have no Plan B and that is the scariest thing of all.

It reminds me of Peter’s water-walking adventure and the title of John Ortberg’s book: If you want to walk on water, you’ve got to get out of the boat. All I can say is that since I plucked up the courage to take that first step to get out, things have started to shift and that as I find myself walking on water, I’m learning to trust – one step at a time.